A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1.
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2.
AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3.
FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4 .
A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5.
IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6.
YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7.
IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to
tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being
late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir."
First you tell your friends that you are having an affair.........
Then your friend asks you........
'Are you having it catered?'
THAT, my friends, is the definition of
OLD
!!!!!!
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer .
Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'
'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are'
Dr Visit for a colonoscopy
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting, I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
a rubber glove
and a beer
...
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam .
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for"?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door ...
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .
"HEY
Evelyn !!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT"
An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be rea lly pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
AAADD - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel
better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail
before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk
mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of
flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left
it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.
At the end of the day the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm
can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there
is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because
I know I was busy all darn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Stuff dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Stuff dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his hengliding!'
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
Two Irish hunters chartered a plane to fly them to Canada , to hunt
moose, and they managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot
let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours.
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea
where we are?'
Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
The Last Argument
Okay Honey.
We're here!
I said I was sorry.
You can come out now.
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK
MY WAY OUT OF IT, UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT
The first surgeon , from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second , from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon , from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon , from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon , from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no testicles, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable ."