Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him u p and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 60 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed.  It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. 

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. 

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn. He promptly called the local police station. 

The conversation went like this: 

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones.  How might I help you?" 

"And the best of the day te yerself... This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. 

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to
send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the
next of kin."

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal
cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent
their famous detective Boudreaux to investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. 'Dey
is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin'' he began.
'Good work. Who are they?' the sergeant asked. Boudreaux
replied confidently, 'de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de
Mafia.'
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, 'How did you find that out in
one night?'
'Well,' he replied, 'I went down and done seen dat rooster
fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a
duck was entered in the fight.'
The sergeant nodded, 'I'll buy that. But what about the
others?'
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, 'Well, I knowed de Cajuns was
involved when summbody bet on de duck.'
'Ah,' sighed the sergeant, 'And how did you figure the
Mafia was involved?'

'De duck won'

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful  Brian's
roommate,  Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of 
a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer
than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said,'Well,
I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down
and wrote: 

Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the  gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the  gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
 
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying  that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer                                                       
is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now.                                                        
Love, Mom
                                           Drunk Driver

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.

'Pastor, what is this?' he asked the pastor.
The pastor said, 'Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked..........

'Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?'
WOMEN DRIVERS!

Driving this morning on I-45, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand New BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the egg Mcmuffin out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cellphone from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn PERCY AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Darn Women Drivers!!!

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says,
"Sure, Chief.
Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand,
Pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter
And says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in,
Drink coffee,
Shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day.

"What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's!!!"

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland branch office and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm
news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on
the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at
Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde
was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's
fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm
news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Humor @ This Old Campsite Dot Com
Laughter is supposed to be good for us,so I thought that I would add a page where we can add some jokes or funny stories.  Sometimes we have experiences that may not be funny at the time, but after the crying is over we can look back and laugh at ourself.  Been there a number of times!  Enjoy the jokes and if you have a good clean joke or story to tell, let us here from you.
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