A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Three Forks. Montana . He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head towards the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right, and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it!
7. President Obama's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Bank of America.
8. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds, I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
Irish Bank Robber
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent,
looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'
I'D LOVE TO BE 8 AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jam toasties!
He took her to Dreamworld and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation..."I meant my dress size, you stupid idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....
Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
The husband picks Up a Case of Budweiser and puts it in
their cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he
replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,
demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20
jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the
husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look
beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of
Budweiser and it's half the Price.'
On the PA system:
'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we
have a husband down.*
and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group
of golfers in front of them.
The Scot fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen
such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens
keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with
that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of
blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest
said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do
for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to
the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
After a long pause, the Scot said, 'Why the heck can't they play
at night?
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over.'
Patty and Mick are out hunting and get seriously lost.
Patty says to Mick "What do you think we should do?"
Mick says "Well, let's fire three shots into the air. That's the international distress signal."
So, Mick fires three shots into the air.
A half hour passes and no rescuers come.
Patty say to Mick "What do you think we should do now?"
Mick says "Let's fire three more shots into the air maybe we'll be rescued."
So, Mick fires three more shots into the air.
A half hour passes and no rescuers come.
Patty say to Mick "What do you think we should do now."
Mick says "Let's fire three more shots into the air maybe we'll be rescued."
Patty says "Well I hope it works this time. These are my last three arrows."
Dam!
chartered a double-Decker bus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER'